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Thursday, 29 June 2006 00:00 |
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He's seen all 3 of the "Fast and Furious" movies. He's got a suped-up Toyota Corolla with a huge spoiler on the back that is bigger than a Great Dane. The car itself is neon blue with fluorescent lights shining all over the thing. He comes up behind you on the highway doing Mach-12 and getting right on your ass as if his car was a big metallic penis to make up for his lack of efficiency in the bedroom. After swerving around you and then flying off down the road, this jackass weaves in and out of traffic to show off his great driving skills that he learned in bad movies that most people don't even watch on cable. And he's 17. Got news for you, tough guy, NO ONE is impressed with your ability to drive like an idiot on the highway or the fact that you know how to put your foot to the floor. Driving 100 miles per hour on a straight highway isn't a finely aquired skill, it's stupidity. And, by the way, if you really WERE a driver to be envied or admired, you wouldn't have to drive a Corolla with Lego Parts attached to it. |
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Last Updated on Monday, 28 July 2008 19:09 |
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Wednesday, 03 May 2006 00:00 |
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"Harry Potter and The Potion that Makes Hermoine Put Out" "Green Eggs and Botchulism" "The Gym Teacher is a Lesbian, and that's okay" "Why Mommy dances with a Brass Pole" "It's your fault dogs don't live that long" "You're the only one who poops" "Divorce is a good idea" "Are you there God? It's me, Michael Jackson" "SuperFudgepacker" "One bus is bigger than the other" "Daddy likes to wear dresses, and that's okay" "Horton Hears a Whore" "Mouths don't get Pregnant" "Why you'll never be as good as Jesus" Now available at bookstores everywhere! |
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Last Updated on Monday, 28 July 2008 19:08 |
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Monday, 06 February 2006 00:00 |
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There are 2 types of Douchebags I'm talking about. 1) The jackass that shushes me when I'm talking on my phone or to another person. Hey, idiot...It's not a library, IT'S A BOOKSTORE! It's a goddamned retail outlet, it isn't your personal study area. This mofo is sitting at a table in the bookstore with 43 different texts in front of him, trying to do a research paper or get a new mortgage. Is he even going to BUY THOSE BOOKS?! Chances are, he isn't, but he feels like Borders is his own little haven, his own little study area. They have libraries, genius, but the trendy bookstore isn't one. I'll be quiet in the library...wait, no I won't. You know why? Because I don't go to the library, I BUY MY BOOKS A FREAKING BOOKSTORE! 2) The snotty little bastard who works there. I realize that you think that, because you work in a place that has tons of literature, you're smarter than the average person and on a higher thinking level than most. But, you know what? You're still a cashier in a bookstore. I don't need you to sigh when I ask for help or seem inconvenienced that I took you away from sipping your Latte to get you to make me MY FREAKING LATTE! Once again, this isn't a library, it's a retail store. The idea is to get all those books OUT OF THE STORE, not keep them there. You being an asshole is only going to keep them there. Not the mission. There is no shame in being the cashier in a bookstore. But that's what you are so do it and don't make me out to be the asshole for expecting it. I also don't need you to roll your eyes at my selection of magazines I buy or if I'm reading the latest mass-produced, popular novel. There are people who think they're really cool because all they read is obscure books by obscure authors. Guess what? They aren't. ...And why the hell don't you have 5 copies of "The Ultimate Bachelor's Guide" in stock? |
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Last Updated on Monday, 28 July 2008 19:07 |
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Thursday, 05 January 2006 00:00 |
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THE IDIOT AT THE COUNTER WHO HAS NO FREAKIN' CLUE You know exactly what you want. Hell, you've had over 20 minutes of standing in line to figure it out. You've even got the exact change in your head, with the tax and everything included. But not THIS DOUCHEBAG in front of you. No, he's been busy talking to the person next to him/on his cell phone/at nothing in general for the past 20 minutes and hasn't even bothered to look at the menu! It doesn't matter if you're at McDonald's or Starbucks or the local Multiplex, this particular Douchebag is everywhere....and he's always in front of you. "Hey, Douchebag, how about you stop breathing through your mouth long enough to decide what the hell you want... while the rest of us impatiently grow old in line behind you?!?!" |
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Last Updated on Monday, 28 July 2008 19:15 |
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